Journey
Every now and then I sort of fall into the world of prose and poetry. They are usually short trips before I'm back up on my feet and walking down the sidewalk again. But while I'm there, I sometimes take a moment to describe the funny way the ants are carrying that crumb, or the extreme pain my nose is feeling because of my lack of ability to catch myself. Of course, I give no guarantees on quality, quantity, or frequency, and infrequency could be more of a blessing than a curse for you. But here it is, whether you want to read it or not.
If you do find my stuff in the least bit interesting, I am really, really looking for some feedback. I'm going to look into turning on the "anonymous poster" option if that's possible, so you don't have to go through the trouble of signing up just to put in your say.
(Edit: I've decided to make this poem a continuing story. It has drawn out a bit, and I feel as though I'm running out of creativity for today. I'll let you all in on what this Journey is supposed to represent when it's through.)
Today's randomness is entitled:
Journey - part 1
I look upon the distant hill,
And see a brilliant speck of light.
It wavers first, and then stands still.
It dances on the edge of sight.
I follow, with a sense of awe,
This enigma of delight.
Such a joy I've ne'er seen
Playing at the edge of light.
As I draw near, I make out form-
It leads me to a darkened wood.
What's this? It looks to have a warm,
Soft head of hair! This seems too good!
I did not recognize the shape
Of such a woman far away.
She captivates me, binds me, now,
And from her trail I cannot stray.
I've long since left the gay, green knoll
I find myself nigh at the wood.
I stand where that sweet, playful soul
Had, when I spotted her, just stood.
If you do find my stuff in the least bit interesting, I am really, really looking for some feedback. I'm going to look into turning on the "anonymous poster" option if that's possible, so you don't have to go through the trouble of signing up just to put in your say.
(Edit: I've decided to make this poem a continuing story. It has drawn out a bit, and I feel as though I'm running out of creativity for today. I'll let you all in on what this Journey is supposed to represent when it's through.)
Today's randomness is entitled:
Journey - part 1
I look upon the distant hill,
And see a brilliant speck of light.
It wavers first, and then stands still.
It dances on the edge of sight.
I follow, with a sense of awe,
This enigma of delight.
Such a joy I've ne'er seen
Playing at the edge of light.
As I draw near, I make out form-
It leads me to a darkened wood.
What's this? It looks to have a warm,
Soft head of hair! This seems too good!
I did not recognize the shape
Of such a woman far away.
She captivates me, binds me, now,
And from her trail I cannot stray.
I've long since left the gay, green knoll
I find myself nigh at the wood.
I stand where that sweet, playful soul
Had, when I spotted her, just stood.
posted by coleki at 2:31 PM
1 Comments:
howdy bro
i like the subject matter
and the line "dances on the edge of sight" is wonderful
what happened to the wonderful rhyme scheme?
about 3rd stanza it just kinda falls apart
it made me do a double or even triple take to try and find the rhyme. free verse is fine if it doesn't rhyme for part of the piece, but it's confusing to have both imo. excellent use of diction throughout with all the adjectives and old englishy stuff. very thick feel and tone. it's very frost-esque, which i like, but it needs a bit of a flashier ending... maybe some kind of epiphany? "and from her trail i could not stray" comes back to the rhyme scheme (yay!) but you pay for it with losing direction of the stanza. btw i really like the line about the "soft head of hair".
it's a really great start, but could use some revisions and focus in the middle area.
you asked for feedback. you've got it :) of course nothing i say is a perfect critique, cause it's all subjective. but there's my view anyhow.
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